Alone with God in the Rain

It's raining on my part of the planet as I make these notes, and has been for what seems time ad infinitum.  What does this do to me, well let's see:  having a nerve disorder called acute Neuropathy and another called sciatica, dampness always calls for pain and pain leads inevitably to a desire to rush to be alone, wanting to hurt in private peace, not to be seen in one's weakness, hoping the hurt will dissipate if no one sees it.  So I turn down offers to go here, make excuses why I can't go there, never quite able to convey the extent of my physical pain even to close friends because as we all know, only our pain counts while we're flush in it.  Selfish and insecure, we cringe at the thought of someone finding us so utterly weakened.

Which is how I find myself happily alone as I pour down the aspirin, not bothering with pain killers because neuropathy is incurable and who wants an addiction on top of all else...

Sure that no one can see, or know, I nuture myself as best I can, becoming my truest pal and buddy, rattling off all the reasons why some are meant to hurt and some meant to ease it. Then it hits me - like it always does, as a bolt of truth:

GOD never leaves anyone, anywhere, at any time, for any reason, even when you want to be hidden.  He knows my pain in these times of self-pity better than any human could ever make pretense to.  GOD sees me and I've no reason to cringe before Him because He Himself endured such agonies in the human form of His own Son, Jesus Christ, and who better to know what man can do to man in the name of whatever is popular to decry at the time?  Jesus was not half man and half God, He was 100% human and 100% Divine, I'd say, while He walked this earth, to better direct His people to understand the words of their inspired elders, the Prophets. I tend to turn to these words, written by several men over and over, edited, changed and rearranged so many times, yet undeniably still a treasure trove of common sense by which to guide one through life, a better person.  The Bible is like that for me, while in pain.  I seek the trials of Job, astonished and ashamed at my own petty hurts.  The poetry of the Psalms is such that its beauty can pull me from my hiding place and have not a fear of expressing my physical hurt, for it's all part of me and those who know of it are at ease with it's needs, i.e., walkers, leg braces, canes. The paraphrenalia of man's tenuous hold on life.

These past 13 years in a "disabling" state I've heard many offers of advice, all well-intended, but the one I could never accept was: "Others have it far worse, what if you had no legs" etc.  Maybe I'm odd but it never gave me comfort to know that someone else suffered more than I did, physically.  And I've found a way around this recurring pain that has been successful for me, so far:  Work with it. What else does one do with something that won't go away?  Cooperate. Like two opposing governments, you work it out together and find a median peaceful solution.  A truce of sorts.  As is my want, I gave it all over to poetry:

                            "SHINING LIGHT"

If you do live in constant pain, and fear you cannot smile again 

If every move is full of woe, you feel there's no safe place to go,

Seek out your God, your closest Friend, and do not break when you can bend.

You've always been within His sight, so make of pain a "Shining Light" -

Dwell upon this very hard, for life can be so tough and scarred,

In every plan or scheme or race, give your thought to Saving Grace.

For it's not the hurt that makes us brave, it's not the fear of coming grave

But rather, it's the way that we, turn on our Light, with Dignity.

csr