Thursday, May 11, 2006

Alone with God in the Rain

It's raining on my part of the planet as I make these notes, and has been for what seems time ad infinitum.  What does this do to me, well let's see:  having a nerve disorder called acute Neuropathy and another called sciatica, dampness always calls for pain and pain leads inevitably to a desire to rush to be alone, wanting to hurt in private peace, not to be seen in one's weakness, hoping the hurt will dissipate if no one sees it.  So I turn down offers to go here, make excuses why I can't go there, never quite able to convey the extent of my physical pain even to close friends because as we all know, only our pain counts while we're flush in it.  Selfish and insecure, we cringe at the thought of someone finding us so utterly weakened.

Which is how I find myself happily alone as I pour down the aspirin, not bothering with pain killers because neuropathy is incurable and who wants an addiction on top of all else...

Sure that no one can see, or know, I nuture myself as best I can, becoming my truest pal and buddy, rattling off all the reasons why some are meant to hurt and some meant to ease it. Then it hits me - like it always does, as a bolt of truth:

GOD never leaves anyone, anywhere, at any time, for any reason, even when you want to be hidden.  He knows my pain in these times of self-pity better than any human could ever make pretense to.  GOD sees me and I've no reason to cringe before Him because He Himself endured such agonies in the human form of His own Son, Jesus Christ, and who better to know what man can do to man in the name of whatever is popular to decry at the time?  Jesus was not half man and half God, He was 100% human and 100% Divine, I'd say, while He walked this earth, to better direct His people to understand the words of their inspired elders, the Prophets. I tend to turn to these words, written by several men over and over, edited, changed and rearranged so many times, yet undeniably still a treasure trove of common sense by which to guide one through life, a better person.  The Bible is like that for me, while in pain.  I seek the trials of Job, astonished and ashamed at my own petty hurts.  The poetry of the Psalms is such that its beauty can pull me from my hiding place and have not a fear of expressing my physical hurt, for it's all part of me and those who know of it are at ease with it's needs, i.e., walkers, leg braces, canes. The paraphrenalia of man's tenuous hold on life.

These past 13 years in a "disabling" state I've heard many offers of advice, all well-intended, but the one I could never accept was: "Others have it far worse, what if you had no legs" etc.  Maybe I'm odd but it never gave me comfort to know that someone else suffered more than I did, physically.  And I've found a way around this recurring pain that has been successful for me, so far:  Work with it. What else does one do with something that won't go away?  Cooperate. Like two opposing governments, you work it out together and find a median peaceful solution.  A truce of sorts.  As is my want, I gave it all over to poetry:

                            "SHINING LIGHT"

If you do live in constant pain, and fear you cannot smile again 

If every move is full of woe, you feel there's no safe place to go,

Seek out your God, your closest Friend, and do not break when you can bend.

You've always been within His sight, so make of pain a "Shining Light" -

Dwell upon this very hard, for life can be so tough and scarred,

In every plan or scheme or race, give your thought to Saving Grace.

For it's not the hurt that makes us brave, it's not the fear of coming grave

But rather, it's the way that we, turn on our Light, with Dignity.

csr

                                                                                                                          

                                  

 

 

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

16 comments:

barbpinion said...

What an AWESOME entry. Liked it so much I read it three times before leaving this comment. Nothing is as wonderful, as comforting to me as to remind myself that at any moment of my life, the Lord is with me. "Alone with God in the rain." you wrote. You're a woman after my own heart.
HUGE hugs, and love too, for putting such a big smile on my face.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HOPEFORTODAY
        http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

bedazzzled1 said...

I believe I should be thanking the rain for putting you in a place where you could create such a lovely poem. I especially liked, "Seek out your God, your closest Friend, and do not break when you can bend." Perfect!

I am sorry you have the afflictions you do. Seems to me you know the way to handle them that works the best for you.

::keeping you in my prayers::
Nikki

lurkynat said...

wow! whata agreat entry!
hugs sweetie
natalie

debbted said...

Dear Cathy, What an excellent entry! This was so well expressed. Absolutely awesome....I am going to put you in touch with some others living with chronic pain via e-mailing them this link. I loved what you siad about the Bible and when my Mom told me people were starving in India--it din't make me want to clean my plate! ;-) Hang in there tough sweetie! Deb ;-)

http://journals.aol.com/debbted/SassysSecondWord

sugarsweet056 said...

First time to your journal! I too suffer from chronic pain, Trigeminal Neuralgia, please check it out on the web. Would love you to visit me! This week I'm doing a wk long tribute to Mothers for Mothers Day.
Blessings,
SUGAR

http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/SUGARSLIFE/

http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/MYBELOVEDFURRBABIES/

madcobug said...

Very good entry today. Helen

valphish said...

Hi Cathy!  This is a beautiful post.  I live with muscle and nerve pain.  Been hurting badly this week as it has been raining =( so I understand the need to be alone and hide.  I LOVE how you said Jesus was not half man and half God but 100% man and 100% God, therefore it comforts me to know that he understands ALL of my sufferings (and joys).  I think that has been what I have learned most from having a disability.  Lean on God.  He know everything about me inside and out.  What a  comfort it is to me.  No human friend or relative knows this.  I don't have to even speak to God and He can tell what is going on.  And He can speak back to me in His Word as you so eloquently spoke here.  Thanks for this beautiful post.  Hugs, Val xox
http://journals.aol.com/valphish/ThereisaSeason

xxroxymamaxx said...

I really loved this entry and you express yourself so well.  Wish I could put into poetry how I feel sometimes.  I try but then I'm afraid to publish it.  I've just written a poem about my mother and the trials that we have gone through over the years but every time I read it I wish I was better at writing.  Hugs and prayers for you.  GBU, Shelly

slimhawk said...

Your words bring back so many memories of the trials and anguish that I myself experienced when my husband crushed four disc in his neck.  I can not even begin to say I know how he felt because I was not inside of his body.  What I can say is that my husband was a very strong, hard working man and I watched him slowly give up, little by little until one day, he gave into the drugs and they over took him.  After 25 years of marriage and 33 years of friendship, he walked away from his family and his two children to wallow in his anguish.
I'm glad that you do not give into the drugs.  Some days I know you have no choice but to depend on them is dangerous.
I am so sorry you live in constant pain.  It wears you out and takes away your joy and causes so much stress, even sleeping is a chore.
Writing is such an awesome way of releasing things.  I think you should write all the poetry that you can put on paper and share with others.  I use to feel that way about my poetry until I shared it with someone one day and then everyone started asking to see my poetry. I've even been published a few times.
God bless.

firestormkids04 said...

Thank you so much for your wise and inspirational thoughts.  Way back in 1988, sitting at a table with a friend of mine who also had a debilitating illness, I asked her how she could live with the pain.  Depression was overwhelming me with mine.  Her answer, make a friend of the pain.  I have, although I am not always happy with my friend.  And I have assurance in the Lord that healing will come in His time, not mine.  Hugs and blessings, Penny http://journals.aol.com/Firestormkids04/FromHeretoThere

angelrose2u said...

what a beautiful entry! We all have been there at one time or another for sure. Praise God He is always with us and sees us thru it all! Thanks for sharing and Blessing me

Hugs
angelrose

cyndygee said...

Oh, Cathy!  This poem is such a lesson to those of us living with chronic pain:

Seek out your God, your closest Friend, and do not break when you can bend.

You've always been within His sight, so make of pain a "Shining Light" -

Beautiful!  I wish you a productive pain-free Monday, my pal!

Blessings,
                                                                                   Cyn
http://journals.aol.com/cyndygee/PositivePals
http://journals.aol.com/cyndygee/TheRealWorldofcyndygee
http://journals.aol.com/ccancu/CEEGEEATLARGE

debbiewebb4465 said...

This is an excellent poem ~ very well written ~ I liked it a lot, thanks for the link......keep 'em coming :-)
hugs Debbie ~xxxx~
http://journals.aol.com/debbiewebb4465/TheLifeTimesofanEssexGirl

tzmeee said...

* i am reminded of:
a starry~ starry ~ night.....a tormented soul....a very moving observation....
i paraphrase....
                       "that ~ from pain ~ ((( this ))) genius" did arise^"
...but ~ i could have told you...
                                        [smiling...pausing]
......................................................................" beloved" ~ .......
)*( )*( paradise.....PARADISE! ...is coming sooooon! ~ )*( )*( ~
thank you ~ for sharing! ~

bhbner2him said...

Just beautiful!!  God is there for us in every season.  He wants to be there whether we want him there or not.  That is why some who have been running from him have refered to him as the Hound of Heaven.  That is why so many who have stopped and turned to His presence can sing with joy, What a Friend We Have in Jesus.  -  Barbara

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