Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Excuse Me While I Die Of Fear And Pain

It's very simple: The fear of pain, the pain of fear, the agony of perhaps being dependent.

Trying, trying trying to move through life with legs that are long since retired. Left foot? Dead. Right leg? Knee buckled.

Searing fear, electric pain.

I have to keep moving through this journey, as I've been doing for almost 20 years now. Doing well. Caring for the dead (my foot) which is still attached to the living parts of me. Haven't lost even one single toe. Congratulations, Cathy!

Now I must let someone cut into me (again) and take something out (again) and ... will I have to ask for help? Damn damn damn I think I must. I know I will, I just KNOW it like I know the shape of my eyes. Lord it scares me to the bone.

Once upon a time I was stuck in gear. When I finally was able to shift, life was still waiting for me - hurray! With all the strange pains and familiar pleasures, I've been able to find a way to keep alive and in touch. So why the fear?

Because I've been there - I know. Trapped inside with no voice, no choice. I've already been there.

Many suffer great agonies in this world. I want to help, I do help. For me, nights are wonderful, looking at Luna and trying to see the stars in this city-world. Still, I listen carefully: Is anyone in pain? Is anyone calling for help? I stay alert, at the ready.

Now it's me, I'm calling into the night and frightened to the core of my being. Still I'm compelled to listen, to ask, to connect to my community of humans: is anyone in need?

Here I am. Do you see? Do you see?
Time to move on. Move into the fear, accept the pain...and