Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Excuse Me While I Die Of Fear And Pain


It's very simple: The fear of pain, the pain of fear, the agony of perhaps being dependent.

Trying, trying trying to move through life with legs that are long since retired. Left foot? Dead. Right leg? Knee buckled.

Searing fear, electric pain.

I have to keep moving through this journey, as I've been doing for almost 20 years now. Doing well. Caring for the dead (my foot) which is still attached to the living parts of me. Haven't lost even one single toe. Congratulations, Cathy!

Now I must let someone cut into me (again) and take something out (again) and ... will I have to ask for help? Damn damn damn I think I must. I know I will, I just KNOW it like I know the shape of my eyes. Lord it scares me to the bone.

Once upon a time I was stuck in gear. When I finally was able to shift, life was still waiting for me - hurray! With all the strange pains and familiar pleasures, I've been able to find a way to keep alive and in touch. So why the fear?

Because I've been there - I know. Trapped inside with no voice, no choice. I've already been there.

Many suffer great agonies in this world. I want to help, I do help. For me, nights are wonderful, looking at Luna and trying to see the stars in this city-world. Still, I listen carefully: Is anyone in pain? Is anyone calling for help? I stay alert, at the ready.

Now it's me, I'm calling into the night and frightened to the core of my being. Still I'm compelled to listen, to ask, to connect to my community of humans: is anyone in need?

Here I am. Do you see? Do you see?
Time to move on. Move into the fear, accept the pain...and
LIVE.

9 comments:

Barb said...

And here I am Cathy, wanting to be there for you, help any way I can as you helped me so many years ago. How? By accepting me and loving me just as I was and am, by taking time to comment on my Hey Let's Talk blog, and sending emails of encouragement when I'd shared a recent trial. I know a lot about fear hon, for almost most of my life fear ruled me. And I can relate to pain, especially when it comes to dead limbs. Diabetic complications caused my sisters death in February. Before her death, two years before actually, she lost two toes, then three, then her right leg. She was about to lose her left when she died. I am, little by little losing the feeling in my right leg. Having watched my sisters experience, fear does grab hold of me at times. I find myself wondering if I will wind up as she did, in a wheelchair,almost totally blind, unable to do anything. Nothing!
Hon, I just read what I've written and must apologize. With my husband on hospice I get little sleep and your email caught me by surprise. My comment doesn't make much sense to me. Hope you understand. I promise to read your post again after I have slept some and will then email you or leave comment that makes more sense.
I hear you and will be here as you were for me. Hugs and love too.

Barb said...

Cut into again, you said, hon. Where and when?

Barb said...

Fear and pain are closely related. Why do I say that? Because pain makes us fearful, and the more intense the pain, the more intense the fear. What we fear is the unknown. Using myself as an example:
In a very short time I will be standing on unfamiliar ground, will for the first time in over 38 years be alone. I am no longer young, can no longer work, and though my last back surgery got me out of the wheelchair I am still in enormous pain. The more I hurt, the more fear tries to settle upon me. I find myself falling back into the old what if habit I used to have. Fear makes me worry about what I might have to come up against, makes me fear I won't be able to care for myself, that I'll have to be dependent upon somebody else, and that is scary..doesn't set well with me. Fear was pretty much running the show until I reminded myself of how good God is and how many mountains he helped me climb. Until that moment I'd forgotten that fear only has as much power as we give it; that what we imagine might happen is always worse than what actually does.

Barb said...

Just stopping by to let you know I have had you on my mind, been concerned about how you're doing, if you had surgery or not, how your coping, etc. I'm here if you need me. Always.

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