Thursday, December 28, 2006

Must Love Have All?

Those who hope and dream and look for a brighter dawn may be standing unprotected from the method love will  arrive at their door.  For all the joy of a wonderful Thanksgiving, the first without our parents, my siblings have managed to balance it with a Christmas of confusion, hurt and no clear way to find the light switch again.  One of us, the eldest, has been away in another country for almost 40 years and after Mom's death decided to return and live among us, bringing her own brand of opinions.  She doesn't know most of us at all.

With all good intent, she decided to find our origins, reaching far back into Italy and Ireland.  Facts about your heritage are wonderfully soothing and bring a completeness of being nothing else can.  If only it has stayed a simple framework of our ancestors.

This is the eldest sister of eight, Marianne.  She chose to write a brief description of only one of us, leaving nothing about the others.  Her very basic facts about many were inaccurate.  She neglected so much.  Many were hurt and I foresee months, perhaps years, of open wounds.  Marianne is at a complete loss as to who her younger siblings are, who we've grown into, what we've become in this part of our lives.  Making a very unwise choice, she centered on just one of us and proceeded to canonize him.  He was "most loved" he was most congenial, most handy, most generous, most perfect.  Even if true, it shouldn't have been said.  Leaving nothing about the rest of us and not even mentioning some, such as the children of the children, her good intentions have caused a tornado of pain and harsh emails rushing between us, back and forth, back and forth, and nothing is being accomplished.

Every family trying to introduce themselves after years apart will run into hard facts.  They needn't always be made part of the family history.  For instance, our beloved Father had two affairs in his lifetime which each of us processed differently then filed away.  Marianne chose to include his paramours, by name and deed, which threw one sister into a whirlwind of nasty feelings and regret.  We all got copies.  It reminds me of when my parents would yell and scream, throw things, and we'd all run to our corners, pre-arranged and separate, to wait out the storm.  That's what we've all done - hurt and confused, we've all run to our "corners" to nurse our wounds.

My brothers and sisters are in pain.  I can't help them.  Marianne is in her own hell because she, as eldest, never being present, had myths woven about her life in Canada which we believed when our Mother described them.  "Marianne can't make Christmas this year, her job is to important" and such like.  It turned out to be a lie.  She didn't come home because she wanted to preserve her mental stability.  It seems she disliked our Mother and simply couldn't abide her.  Yet she was there to help when Mom became fatally ill.  Confusing, and brave.  But misunderstood by others who see different motives.  Yes, my siblings are ill.  Very dysfunctional.  Not like other families with problems, not at all.  We've somehow evolved the ability to kill with a word.  Or with silence. 

Here I am in my Journal trying to vent something I don't understand.  People I love are hurting and I can't do a thing, I can barely share my own pain.  What is a family anyway ... we're scattered, our parents are gone, some dislike the others emmensely, I wonder what's next ...

  

14 comments:

treesrgreen78 said...

My dear friend, I feel your pain.  My parents are gone, my family is scattered since my father passed.  One sister I have not seen since 1986, the other since 1992 and my brother since about 1994.  Truly, my youngest sister verbally slandered my eldest sister and I to our Mom's relatives and everyone of them turned on us.  What she said were also lies, but the relatives believed her although my Mom warned them before she died, about this sister.  My family life was no bowl of cherries and many hurts and pain have evolved as well in my family.  Luddie, if ever you need someone to talk to, I am here for you, your family sounds so very much like mine.  It is very hard when you see someone hurting and you cant do a thing about it.  Just saying a prayer, somehow helps at times.  Having a friend, far removed from your family to be able to talk to about what you are feeling can also help.  

Your friend always, Trees

iiimagicxx said...

Oh, I feel sad for you. You surely could not imagine this happen... 40 years away, almost a life time, this is so harsh to reconstruct some fresh new bonds over so much story build up over the years of separation. Something is unresolved, time does not always cure, anger seems to have found its way to express itself. I hope you'll find some strength to recover from your hurt and that time will come for peace within your family. You seem to care.
Good night,
Valerie

libragem007 said...

Hi Luddie,
Though this is different situation, I feel for you. I'll pray that in the end, things work out the differences with all of your brothers and sisters.

Take care and wishing you a safe and Prosperous New Year.
Gem~

nightmaremom said...

Oh I am so very sorry....  I come from a family of 7 kids and we are close, but we also have many many differences and feelings that are hidden.  I can't imagine what would happen if it came to the forefront.  My parents are here holding the glue in place.  Love ya lady and sending good vibes your way.
hugs
d

mutualaide said...

Luddie, I am so saddened for you to read of your pain (and yes, that of your sibs).  I can't offer you words of wisdom or advice, but I can tell you honestly that my family in its dysfunctional state, is at the least, in the shape your family finds itself.  There is hurt, anger, regret, sadness, momentary hopefulness.  And then there is reality.

Protect yourself as only you can and let the others work out their own kinks.  It's about all you can do.

Well, no, prayer works wonders.  If only for yourself.

Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.  Kathy

geminirising12 said...

It is sad that so many family gatherings at Christmas turn out this way.  I think we tend to set our expectations so high that anything short of a Hollywood movie setting would be a disappointment.  As long as you and your siblings harbour your feelings of confusion and hurt and "feed" the rumor mills with emails rushing back and forth, the events of this Christmas will linger and linger and linger . . . .  The kind of hurt you are experiencing, Luddie, will only pass if you put it behind you and let it go.  Only you can keep the wounds open and festering.  And only you can mend them.  May you and yours experience a quick healing.
Here's to a happy and peaceful New Year.

lanurseprn said...

My family is so dysfunctional that we don't even hear from each other anymore.  No Xmas cards....nothing.  My family consists of my brother who lives with me, my son, ...and my closest friends.  
The others, well, they are gone. I could tell you stories about them that would amaze you.  
I hope your family comes to terms with things and I hope you do too.  
Pam

bobandkate said...

Dear Cathy,
I feel for you in all of this. Being bound by blood is no guarantee of a good family relationship. Just because we share blood with our parents and siblings does not mean that we always get along. Sharing blood also means that when we act and speak we have the power to wound more deeply. I am so sorry that your family, for family it is no matter what, is hurting so badly at present. I hope that you will all find a way to live harmoniously again. I have a sister whom I do not like or respect. I can't even describe why. It hurts. I can't speak to her without getting angry. So I don't speak much to her at all. But I still love her. My mother and I tolerate one another in small doses. We are dysfunctional too. Maybe every family is in some way. Keep writing!
Kate.
http://journals.aol.co.uk/bobandkate/AnAnalysisofLife/
http://journals.aol.co.uk/bobandkate/20062007-journal-index/

onestrangecat said...

your family sounds like most families I know.

i am so sorry that you and your brothers/sisters are having to go through this.  maybe one day you all will be able to be on more friendly terms.

Kathy

rockoned7 said...

My Dearest Friend Cathy,
Oh how I feel your pain and distain for your family situation and the pain that can inflicted on you at the least expected time. They say blood is thicker than water and whilst I agree with that statement it sometimes makes the relationships within families less tolerant and more easily broke down, than being surrounded by brick walls that under normal circumstances keep us safe and healthy.

Reading your account the words of Robert Frost from his book “Mending Wall” stating “I let my neighbour know beyond the hill and on a day we meet to walk the line and set the wall between us once again” came to me and it is so appropriate that maybe you can get a copy of his book which explains exactly how and why you feel such pain.

It is sometimes that in our dysfunctional state we grow to appreciate what our friends are to us and not that of our siblings who seem to tear the genetic cloth that binds us, with such venom.

My prayers will be with you in this sad time for you.

brainwhispers said...

My brother is an asshole.

xxroxymamaxx said...

What can you do?  I don't think there is anything.  My mother and some of her sisters have been NOT SPEAKING over the estate of my grandparents since 1995.  It's so pitiful.  I'm sorry you have all this going on.  love and hugs and GBU, Shelly

sassydee50 said...

Kathy~Sorry you had to endure all this. I didn't have the best Christmas either...
xox Sassy

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