Here they are again - nightmares. Never leave me in peace, all my life it seems, over and over. Always the same, always cutting deep and slamming hard into my mind. It'll never stop, I know that now.
The other night I managed a few hours rest, after falling back into that damnable depressed state that returns even in your sleep. The depression you thought you'd never have again, the killer kind. This nightmare was simple: My Father, God rest his dear, generous soul, is giving things to all my 7 siblings. A new horse. Money. Something else, I can't remember. I'm a homeless, hungry person with no one, I look to him with questioning eyes, in my baggy pants I can't hold up because I've become too thin.
"Aren't I your daughter, too? Don't I matter?" He says something about making a decision, I can't remember. But I feel so damn neglected, so abandoned, so useless to anyone. In truth, the reality is my Father was incredibly loving, overly generous, went out of his way to mend anything he felt was broken. I think that included me. Yet something tells me I should've been allowed to stay broken, perhaps I would've learned - what? I can't remember.
Last night it was somewhat similar. Again, it's my childhood home, again my Father is there. But I know he'd dead, how could he be mowing the lawn like this? The grass is very green and knee-high. He's going back and forth, in rows, just like he always did. My brother Ricky, who he spoiled beyond words, is there asking for money. He gets it. I don't want any, I want to talk to my Father, find out what he's doing here, he's supposed to be dead. I come up and capture his eyes with mine, pleadingly. Then I say it.
I feel I'm asking him why is he here, and not in heaven. Yet this is our subconscious taking over, isn't it. This is a dream, a nightmare, it's the brain processing something. Maybe that question means something else ...
I can't understand his words, he's explaining something to me and I can't get it. What language is this? What? What? He's talking and I can't make sense of anything. He goes back to mowing the lawn.
Again, I wake in tears, confused, sad, alone.