Monday, July 23, 2007

Even in Sleep

Here they are again - nightmares.  Never leave me in peace, all my life it seems, over and over.  Always the same, always cutting deep and slamming hard into my mind.  It'll never stop, I know that now.

The other night I managed a few hours rest, after falling back into that damnable depressed state that returns even in your sleep.  The depression you thought you'd never have again, the killer kind.  This nightmare was simple:  My Father, God rest his dear, generous soul, is giving things to all my 7 siblings.  A new horse.  Money.  Something else, I can't remember.  I'm a homeless, hungry person with no one, I look to him with questioning eyes, in my baggy pants I can't hold up because I've become too thin. 

"Aren't I your daughter, too?  Don't I matter?"  He says something about making a decision, I can't remember.  But I feel so damn neglected, so abandoned, so useless to anyone.  In truth, the reality is my Father was incredibly loving, overly generous, went out of his way to mend anything he felt was broken.  I think that included me.  Yet something tells me I should've been allowed to stay broken, perhaps I would've learned - what?  I can't remember. 

Last night it was somewhat similar.  Again, it's my childhood home, again my Father is there.  But I know he'd dead, how could he be mowing the lawn like this?  The grass is very green and knee-high.  He's going back and forth, in rows, just like he always did.  My brother Ricky, who he spoiled beyond words, is there asking for money.  He gets it.  I don't want any, I want to talk to my Father, find out what he's doing here, he's supposed to be dead.  I come up and capture his eyes with mine, pleadingly.  Then I say it.

"Why?"

I feel I'm asking him why is he here, and not in heaven.  Yet this is our subconscious taking over, isn't it.  This is a dream, a nightmare, it's the brain processing something.  Maybe that question means something else ...

I can't understand his words, he's explaining something to me and I can't get it.  What language is this?  What?  What?  He's talking and I can't make sense of anything.  He goes back to mowing the lawn. 

Again, I wake in tears, confused, sad, alone. 

20 comments:

pharmolo said...

Interpreting dreams, Cathy, is wellnigh impossible.

geminirising12 said...

Gosh, Cathy - this entry makes me sad for you.  I wish I had all the answers about your "nightmares" - especially of your Father.  Somehow, he must have played a very important role in your childhood - maybe you didn't even realize it back then, but he definitely was signigicant.  You may have wanted more, needed more, expected more from him than he was capable of giving to you - sometimes our expectations are greater than real life and we set ourselves up for disappointments?  I think you are still trying to win his attention and love - even if he is dead and you are an adult woman.  It is time to let him go - turn him loose.  He needs to walk into the light - he will be much happier and it will free you as well.  Talk to him - tell him you release him and that you love him and forgive him. It is time, Cathy - time to let him go.  I think, once you do this from your heart, your nightmares will subside and eventually disappear.  All will be well again and peace returns.  Trust in God - He will help you.
God be with you always,
Gemmy

luddie343 said...

Cathy 2 Gemmy:  Thanks dear friend, I'm just using my Journal for what's it's for.  Sometimes it's things like this.  And it's still okay.    

aimer said...

Ah dear Cathy, dreams are such riddles. Sometimes I struggle to decipher my riddles and at other times I agree with Pharmolo. I wish you peaceful sleep.--Sheria

barbpinion said...

Sounds to me like you didn't feel as special to your father as you would have liked to be. You needed more. And because you didn't get it, you have an empty spot in your heart. You said he was giving, caring-always tried to mend what was broken. You, for some reason, felt you didn't measure up, I think, which explains your saying" something tells me I should've been allowed to stay broken."
 Sometimes, we have to give to ourselves what we didn't get from our parents. So do what makes you happy. It might help to remind yourself how your Father was when alive. That way you'll realize that it isn't HIS perception of you that is causing your problem, but the way you see yourself. Hope that makes sense.
You don't deserve to remain broken, dear one. You are a kind, loving, wonderfully caring, human being; uniquely made and very special to God. And to me.
God bless you, my sweet friend,
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/FROMBARBSSPIRITUALJOURNALS
         http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/LETTERSTOHEAVEN
 

luddie343 said...

Cathy 2 Barbara:  I am so deeply grateful for your caring words.  xoxo

swmpgrly said...

I have been dreaming up a storm myself but nothing deep like your thank goodness

mutualaide said...

Cathy, I completely agree with Barbara.  (she's wise beyond our years :)  Try not to think too hard about your nightmare ... sometimes, the answer comes slowly out of the fog when we don't press ourselves too much.  

Thinking of you and know this is a struggle.  

ma24179 said...

I hope the dreams get better, I understand completely. -Missy

bhbner2him said...

Hugs to you dear.  May not in reality have a thing to do with your father.  He may just be the figure you mind is using.  YOur waking self knows the truth.  I pray you have a peaceful night.  -  Barbara

lanurseprn said...

Dreams are so weird. And it always amazes me how they can affect our mood the next day when we wake.
Once in awhile I dream that my Mom is back from the dead. I enjoy her but I get so pissed in the dream because that means I'll have to lose her all over again. I'll have to watch her die...and I don't want to do that. So I get pissed at her for making me do that all over again.
Strange.
Pam

gehi6 said...

What an intense dream.  I do think the dreamer is the most likely to figure out what a dream like this means in time. Neglect of you, perhaps your father realizes and has come back to do some work on your relationship with him.  Dreams fascinate me.  I will always think about a dream I have for days until I think I have figured out the message.  I have always taken a dream about the dead as a visit, a desire on their part to give me a message, set something to rights.  This dream would indicate something like that is going on.  What do you think?  Chronic depression indicates that in some ways your needs were not met.  Gerry  

firestormkids04 said...

Oh my dear Cathy!  I have them, too.  However over the years they have changed, I have changed. Even when they come back from oh, so far away, I am now at peace.  Sometimes I wake up screaming or crying and don't remember a thing in the morning.  Dreams are wierd.  I've prayed about this and finally came to the decision to be peaceful.  May the Lord bless you my dear friend,  Penny  http://journals.aol.com/firestormkids04/FromHeretoThere
http://journals.aol.com/firestormkids04/TimeforaLittlePoetry

chatzeekay said...

there is lot here and it means something but would beat yourself up trying to understand it if there is a message and there may be, trying relaxing before you sleep clear your mind, and what that voice you can not hear you will be able to , there is a reason, and i feel that you will soon discover it. god bless in my prayers, when you ask you shall receive

sassydee50 said...

Cathy~Ahhh---I know the world of nightmares only too well. I commiserate with hardly getting any sleep and then the sleep you do get is not restful nor do you wake up refreshed. I have some reaccuring ones too. I won't attempt to analize your dream--it's way too complex, but perhaps this kewl book I know of would help: Dream Symbols by Betty Bethards. It's a simple book; what I like is that it is a dream dictionary of sorts--fr ex., if all you remember about one part is green or sky---then you can look the word up. In the end sometimes it works to piece it together. Love & hugs, Deb ;-)

herlippy1 said...

Gosh Cathy, such frightening dreams. There's a reason of course.  Hopefully one day you'll find it, and be free..:)  

Hang in there my friend..!!!((((Cathy))))
http://journals.aol.com/herlippy1/TheSpineLineToo/

treesrgreen78 said...

Hi my friend, I am sorry you are having sleepless nights and depression again.  I am no stranger to nightmares.  I have recurring dreams over and over again.  Many are about my Mom, she is still alive also, and I am always trying to get to her but I never manage to do so.  I have had to what to me is a real life thing  at night and some say it is a dream  someone is trying to murder me, for many years i could not go to sleep because of this  I was existing on sheer will power.  I still have it sometimes, but the ones of my mom  I have often.  It is hard to know the meaning of them.  I know the close rapport you had with your dad and the special love you shared with him.  I have read this entry several times, and I like others who have commented, dont presume to interpret these dreams but what comes through to me  by what you have written is your father felt material things were what your other siblings needed and he gave them freely.  What you only needed though you were destitute, was his love and you already had that so there was no need for him to shower you with gifts, as he knew you were a very strong individual and though you were  down and out, you would come back stronger for it.  This is what I see in this entry.  Never would I try to interpet it  it is beyond me, but if one had to try and make sense of it that is what i see.  God bless you my friend any time you need me I am here, day or night just let me know.

queenb8261 said...

Dear dear Cathy.  I get ya. I have the same kinds of dreams. More often I have been having nightmares. I'm in the midst of a depression right now that I'm not sure where it's coming from. I hope your dreams become lighter and happier. I'm thinking of you . Luv N Hugs, Barb

daddyleer said...

I admire your ability to boldly share and 'dare to think'. Sharing this entry, I suspect,  touches and may help others to know they are not alone.
Caregivingly Yours,

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