Friday, April 4, 2008

Repressing Instinctive Anger

                                                     

How can one reasonably repress the instinctive need to lash out when hurt, to tell a person how badly they abused you, how completely inaccurate they might be about you?  Untrue rumors - cruel statements.    When someone cuts to the quick and draws our private blood of the soul, we want to reciprocate with hurts to their being, just as fierce, just as painful, just as damaging and hopefully, come out the "winner" which of course makes no sense at all and never brings true satisfaction.  Yet we do this all the time.  There must be a better way, a more civil method of curbing the urge to strike out when struck.

I recently became the victim of such an outpouring of criticism, done under the protective guise of the word "constructive".  Though so much of it was inaccurate to my way of thinking, surely these horrors must've originated in some factual base, for my torturer was positive and steadfast in their belief they were right, I was not.  Being told you are "self-delusional" unless you embrace the beliefs of another is not just specious, it also hurts.  The psychic damage may take several introspective, meditative sessions before one returns to self-possession, self-assurance.  How is it that we allow others to utilize such power over us, a power we invest trustingly and perhaps with naivete but nonetheless sincere.  Perhaps it's time to stop sharing ourselves with those who can hurt us.  But how to recognize the sadist behind the sympathizer?  Their disguise is so well crafted!  Point, how do we suppress the urge to repay hurt with more hurt, how do we stop the cycle? 

(Repost of May 2, 2006)

18 comments:

gehi6 said...

I do think that this is a common trap we are prey to fall into until we do learn how to protect ourselves which may take years.  I know that I went on with a 'friendship' for 40 years that caused a lot of upset, but one reason I did was because I had experienced a very destructive element in this person in regard to my family and I felt that I needed to continue with this friendship to protect the children that stood to be hurt.  She had an affair with my cousin and it was his children that concerned me.  She told me I thought in hopes that I would somehow tell the wife and she might have a chance at continuing the relationship if there was a divorce.  I was determined that this would not happen, so kept my own counsel for years.  She made me pay for my lack of support of her 'feelings' for this cousin. Finally when I thought there was no more danger for the kids, grown up now and strong, I terminated my relationship to her.  And what a relief.  I did nt think she was a real friend.  I thought she was a destructive force who said so many hurtful things to me over the years to punish me for not 'helping' her land my cousin. Horrors.  I thought he, too, was prey to her charm and foolishly had an affair with her which gave both him and me untold worries for years.   Gerry cont.

gehi6 said...

comment cont. This woman also had an affair with another man whose wife caught them and she was later found dead of an overdose.  I asked her point blank if she had been involved with him before the wife's death and she looked me right n the eye and said no. but she was and I learned about them beng caught by the wife together from another source.  I had to think of her as a very dangerous person as she was capable of doing so much harm to others in the guise of being a good friend. The list went on and on.  I just accepted her as a cross I had to bear and kept struggling with her to protect my family.  Now she is old and in not good health, so the danger has passed. I think that sometimes such people attach themselves to us and we have to struggle with them because they are insane and need us, among other reasons.   Gerry  

princesssaurora said...

Thought provoking... I hope this isn't because of recent issues!  Sending you hugs and prayers...

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

luddie343 said...

Nope, Dawn, just re-stating something, hoping for more feedback - thanks!

sybilsybil45 said...

I think that whoever makes up these situations whether right or wrong do it for the publicity that they seem to crave...It is the hardest thing on earth I am sure to be totally ignored...so my answer would always be deep breathe...turn away completely...ignore agaain and againeventually the person/problem goes away there nothing they can say that looks as if it can hurt you...WE of course know it does but none else need no especially the originator.   Love SYbil x

swmpgrly said...

good ?

valphish said...

Wow, this is a tough one.  I think there are alot of things going on here.  In my mind, it depends on how close you are to the person who has hurt you, and whether the person is truly believing what he/she has said or just does this type of thing all the time.  I know some people who run around and hurt people because of mental illness/insanity, whatever.  If someone is very close to me and hurts me I try to stick up for myself, but I don't try to hurt them back.  I guess I was never like that.  Another thing I try to do is pray for them.  It is hard to be upset at someone when you are praying for them.  Some situations can take years, though.  For example, I had a good friend who slept with my husband (now ex).  I was filled with anger.  It took years to get over it.  Now I don't care.  They have two children together.  I wish them well.  Honey, I hope you are okay!!!  Boy, this could be 100 entries!!  LOL  Love, Your Maire.
http://journals.aol.com/valphish/ThereisaSeason

kirkbyj05 said...

We allow others to hold such power over us because we basically trust and believe that we have chosen in them like-minded friends.  We also are trusting and caring, in our naivety, to give generously of ourselves and allow them to practice their selfishness on us while making allowances for them not being perfect.  Always being accommodating of their feelings, allows him/her full control of ours and empowers them to be bold and offer us 'constructive' criticism when all along I would suspect envy has more of a head start than friendship.
It is difficult to see through those who are expert in their 'friendship' guise.  It is enough to make you want to close your heart to others and become cynical.  I suppose in the end it has to be put down to an 'experience' not to be repeated, if possible, and move on.  
In doing so, not allowing the perpetrator of the criticism any luxury of knowing how hurt you are would be a plus for you.  Showing hurt would be food for their ego.
I'm so sorry you have been used by someone so close but allowing  time and thought on their dastardly act only adds fuel to it.  Walk on and away from him/her.
You will be a better person for doing that.  Don't play mind games with yourself either as people like them thrive on that.  Ignore and feel good about yourself because you are unique and  a lovely caring YOU!
Jeanie xxxx

ally123130585918 said...

I think it is human nature to want to strike back if someone hurts you ~ I know that is how I would feel ~ especially if the rumors were cruel and untrue ~ I would face the person who did this to me ~ and try to get an answer ~ if one wasn't forthcoming I would end my friendship with them but telling them this to their face and also I would say I forgive you ~ weather I meant it or not ~ I think this would give me some satisfaction ~ Ally x

pamal3 said...

That cycle will unfortunately never be broken. It's just plain old human nature. I have been so angry today myself. Angry at life for dishing out yet another blow to an already lovely lady by making her go through even more torment In finding yet another "lump"! That makes me more mad than I care to be. Through unfairness or In defence then yes, It Is true that I go off the rails, but to do such a thing to a person like you Cathy, Is Incomprehensible. Small minded If you ask me and ever so slightly jealous at your freeness In life. Love Pam xx

rockoned7 said...

“Okay, someone makes their premise.  When you respond, you are essentially rendering a verdict.  In the courtroom, juries are asked to consider a claim and the evidence for or against that claim, then reach a verdict based on its merits.  This process is also used in all the sciences and philosophies, it's called hypothetical reasoning, and I am making my own case for it as the key to answering every question.  I've arrived at 5 pared-down steps needed in this process:
l.  State very clearly what the claim or quest is.
2.  Gather all the evidence both in support and defiance of this claim.
3.  Examine this evidence very thoroughly, without bias.
4.  Consider any alternative claims or questions.
5.  Draw a logical, reaonsable conclusion based upon all of the above.
I know, it sounds far too easy, but remember that hypothetical reasoning is a way of evaluating specific claims in life, it's not a shortcut to certainty.  You may never be certain of anything, anyway, in this life we are forced to deal in what is reasonable, what seems to work”. CSR May 2006
5 answers the first time double that this time. All the answers await your reading as they are all there. ED

attitudeslc said...

Oddly, I am a master at this.  I very rarely, if ever, strick back when hit in such a way when it involves me personally.  The only time I have a difficult time doing so if it is someone I live with, husband, or children. Otherwise... I am amazingly gifted at not responding to it by striking back.  My dificulty lies in when it is someone I love that is offended.... ahh there is a challenge.

For me... when it involves me... when someone does such a thing,  I know the truth so it doesn't matter.  I also know anyone who knows me, also knows the truth.. so it still doesn't matter.  For me, that is how the cycle is stopped.  For me the gift has been that some of my tormenters have truly been transformed.  Amazingly, some of my greatest tormenters

~Rosemary

wwfbison said...

I don't think we can stop this cycle.  I think it is in our nature, some control it better than others but I believe it is a primal instinct we have.  Look at how some animals react when they get angry or hurt...some of us aren't so different.  I enjoy your thought provoking entries.
xx
Lisa

ma24179 said...

It's nearly impossible. I for one can be very cruel with my words. There is only one person that I do not regret saying what I have said. Sometimes (rarely) those words are needed but most of the time they are regreted. (((HUGS))) -Missy http://journals.aol.com/ma24179/MISSYZSTUFF.... by the way, I am going private. I will add you and send you an e-mail as soon as I make the swith.

helmswondermom said...

It isn't easy.  Usually, though, when confronted with this type of situation I am so stunned that I say nothing, and that is just as bad.
Lori

rdautumnsage said...

Reminds me of the saying an eye for an eye will make the world go blind. Lately I've been finding myself in these same circumstances..harsh in it's own way , as I pride myself on the diversity amongst my friends. However when someone doesn't give you the same respect you give them, your wont' to draw the line and question why? Friends agree to disagree, when you can't do that...perhaps the friendship wasn't any good for you to begin with. (Hugs) Indigo

geminirising12 said...

Hurtful bashings begat hurtful bashings!  Unfortunately, Cathy, this is sort of the nature of the "beast".  I agree with all of your other comments - I don't think we will ever completely stop the cycle.
Unfortunately for me, I have usually ended up being the recipient of tongue lashings.  This causes one hurt as well.  I am not one to strike back - usually take it on the chin, so to speak.  I am not saying that this is the best or the right way to respond when one has been verbally "slapped" in the face.  However, it happens to be one of my many flaws. :(
I really believe it is worse to be the lash-eeeeeee than to be the lash-er.  It is easier to dish it out than it is to receive it.  There is no solution - I don't see the "cycle" stopping during my life time.  All I know is that it really hurts to be the recipient of a verbal bashing - it has happened to me several times in the past couple of years and I can honestly say it was not appreciated.  Unfortunately, I did not repay hurt with more hurt - I simply took the tongue lashing and disappeared for awhile which gave me time to heal.  However, I don't believe I will ever be able to forgive.  But then, this is a topic for another time.
G.

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