Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Rise and Fall


This is not the image of a happy person. So what, I at least managed to find the elusive sleep after taking your good advice, Constant Reader. Then I took a pill.

I think I'm fairly fine now. No, I think I'm lying to myself.

How and why an image rises to the surface of memory is beyond my musings, but I know that some memories come back to us like the deep perfume of a good wine rising to greet the senses. Others arise like a swollen rotten corpse dropped into the lake whose blood gases cause it to float to the surface. This is the latter.

I wrote a letter and mailed it to the garbage. It was a nice letter because I love this person. I prayed to God by all names. They were strong prayers because I love God. I devoured books to try and collapse my eyes. It was useful reading because I love books. I did everything to think of this old and useless memory then let it go, back into the universe. Why now? I'm so busy in my little orbit I don't have time to nurse these culprits and no inclination either. So what's going on.

Maybe aging. Maybe nature in all its organic glory is having a jab at my brain. I always thought if you ignore something long enough it'll go away. Like your teeth. So for now I'm ignoring this thing with all my might, which is wrong, and coming here, Constant Reader, to deliver it all up to you.

Oddly, this involves a family member I truly like! Always have, and will. Love them in fact. They don't even know I'm sure, don't remember, it was SO long ago, and truly so unimportant. So how could it knock me over?


Time for the professionals.



21 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

Professional what?

One of the things that has been a good thing for me, is how much in common we all have. Sounds like you had or are having what I call a 'ny-quil night', where you toss and turn, and turn and toss.

But I am sure that we have different engines driving the wakefulness. Anyway, I thought you looked nice ...

cw2smom said...

Sounds like you are on the right track! If it's bubbling up, it's begging to be brought to the light and if you are taking it to the professionals...you are well on your way to resolving the situation, if you aren't able to do so on your own. I am assuming it's going to be a therapist. Fortunately, I have had some outstanding therapists in my life and I am ever so grateful for their help. Here's hoping you find or have the perfect one for this situation. Blessings and prayers for comfort and resolution! Lisa

Missy said...

I'll be seeing a therapist myself here soon.. I hope everything works out. *HUGS*

Gerry said...

I have read your two entries and I think I get the picture, having had a few such experiences myself, in fact I am known to brood far longer than most people about an upsetting incident, until I have analyzed it upside down and backwards sometimes for months or years. Maybe that is natural, and what you are needing to do, because maybe there is a significance about it that goes deeper than people see, and you have to get to the end of it, to see why it is still troubling you so. You sound very considerate, perhaps too much so, but then professionals might help, too. I have tried those, too. Gerry

Lynne said...

I think you are going to be just fine. At least you are reaching for answers and maybe a bit of help is not a bad thing. Hang in there!

Anne said...

Finding the RIGHT profession is quite the task. I always liked everyone I saw, but when it came right down to it, very few really listened. It is imparative that they take a good medical and mental history; including all medications or supliments you take. IF you need medication make sure it isn't what the drug rep. JUST dropped off.....ask why...in fact ask many questions. B.T.W. I haven't had good sleep in 15 yrs. When it comes; it is wonderful. Anne

Loving Annie said...

There is a core issue here that needs healing... It is an opportunity and the Universe is telling you that it must be addressed in order for your next leevl of awareness to occur...
Dig deep, and there will be peace and wisdom where there was lack of understanding and stress before.

Diane J Standiford said...

Well, jumping in here---I had to tell a friend turned relative that it was over, done. I still think of her often. Will always love her and miss her, but she did me wrong and will not acknowledge my pain, this was erroding my self esteem, after 20+ years of this---time to close that door. I'm not happy about it, but had to happen. Now I am able to heal, though there will always be a scar.

ADM DESIGN'S said...

I hope everything works ou

Ally Lifewithally said...

Cathy I hope everything will be OK with you ~
I had to smile at your comment on my blog (my word verification today is "dracula") I have never had a word verification that made a real word ~ I bet that gave you a smile as well !!! ~ Ally x

Indigo said...

It's there because under all the pretenses to not acknowledge it, you've hung on to it fiercely. I truly do hope you found some solace in finally letting it find it's way to the page before you. It's not easy to see things as they are at times but a necessary evil to finally begin to heal. Your always in my prayers on the smoke dear one. I hope you find some peace and calm in the storm. (Hugs)Indigo

kelly said...

I do hope you find the answers you are searching for.. I hope your prayers are answered... the mind is an interesting tool... all the hidden treasures.. some good some bad.. unfortunately, the bad never goes away... only you have the power... I wish you peace...
Kelly~

Amanda said...

(((((((((((((CATHY))))))))))))))Thanks for your comment and good advce,I tink its time for me to see my Shrink.I hope you get your issues sovled,so you can feel better.As well as myself.

Heli gunner Tom said...

I guess some people just like to spread their depressing, flunky, agnostic BS to share their poisoned misery. It has been my studied firm belief that MOST people who damn the Bible are those who never honestly read/ studied it! For 6000 years, selfish, arrogant humans have tried every which way to govern themselves independently from God's Plan/ Wishes-- and look at what woe/ suffering we are experiencing now! Pity...
But 'you ain't seen nothin' yet!'

Patrick @ Caregivingly Yours said...

Writing a letter to the garbage is the most rational idea I have ever heard. Hope you don't mind if I borrow this idea, and of course, hope YOU find some peace.

Caregivingly Yours, Patrick
http://caregivinglyyours.blogspot.com/

Trees said...

Although sometimes it may be very difficult to walk away from somone or something we may find that is the only soloution. For many years as you know my sister and brother walked away and just recently I have seen them again. I will never forget what they did to myself and my other sister, but I find that by letting things go now at this stage of my life, even though I wont forget it is best for me to do so. We are getting older and even if I never saw my brother and sister again, I would still want to be there if there life were at an end. I am glad we have contact again. It is not perfect but it IS. I dont really know what it is your experiencing Luddie, but as always my friend I am here just a holler away.

Maire said...

I'm glad you finally got some rest. I find for myself, that memories come to the surface, because of a culmination of a number of things, that trigger unresolved issues. I do think as we get older, we want to resolve these things for many reasons, but because in some way they are preventing us from moving on in a more positive direction (make sense?)I strongly believe in counseling; in its many forms, there are counselors which can fit with your own beliefs & spirituality. Good luck sweetie, hugs maire

tony said...

Something Around Surrendering To Natural Processes?
Things Reveal themselves In Natural Time.We Cant Control It All.
Good That You Slept & Rested.I hope Today is fine?Regards
tony.

Heli gunner Tom said...

Winners Win-- and Losers Lose!
What you really need is to experience some pain and deprivation like the 3rd world countries' humans. Sunshine, healing herbs, hard work and studying the Bible would be your cure if you just got started.
Take my advice for a change--instead of listening to your sick sisters who love to suck you down into their own misery and contempt.

tom

natalie said...

Dear Cathy,
lots of love to you. i admire you much
love,natalie

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