Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Thinking ...hurts

I'm just going to speak.

One brother in the last stages of MS who keeps isolated and won't engage family. Hurts hurts hurts.

Another brother who almost died to get well, with his non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, after radiation and chemo couldn't keep the stubborn cancer down he went for stem-cell transplantation. He's sick. Hurts hurts hurts.

Both parents dead. Cancer.
Hurts hurts hurts.

Look at me! I'm the most fortunate - one leg is dead from the knee down with p. neuropathy, the other is alive in pain with sciatica, need a full hip and knee replacement, it hurts hurts hurts and I don't have time for this, I'm 62.

So what did I do last night? Hurt someone's feelings. Am I insane? This is a long-time, sweet friend and I left my senses at the door. Let me make this soup even thicker: she's very disabled. For her? Hurts hurts hurts.

I need a pill.






9 comments:

Jon said...

The older I get, the more I am afflicted with hurts hurts hurts.
And, unfortunately, there is no antidote......
Take care.

ADB said...

Life hurts, Cathy. But there's nothing for it to carry on, when others fall away. You're in my thoughts, as ever.

Barb said...

You have a lot going on in your life, many reasons to hurt. Please know that I'm here for you and am so sorry you're hurting so much right now.I hope you remember me. I'm Barb from the old HEY LET'S TALK." We used to write one another a lot. You still can if it will help. My email is barbpinion@q.com.
Take care. Will be praying for you.
Love you much.

Connie Higginbotham said...

We live day by day, we struggle to make a life for ourselves and the payment we get for it is pain and sickness and it gets worse the older we get. I cannot for the life of me understand this. What ever happened to the 'Golden' years we were to get. We were told life would sweeten with age like a fine wine. I think someone was pulling the wool over our eyes. But we make do,we play the hand we're dealt,we muddle though. Will have you in my prayers and thoughts...sending you a big HUG also.

krissy knox said...

Cathy, i know it hurts. it hurts, hurts hurts. i will NEVER deny that. but i can say i a little bit do know how it feels. i have been going thru almost hell and back. haven't told everyone a lot about it, haven't been blogging much, but will email with you if you ever want to share. krissyknoxLTN@aol.com is my most read email address, LOL. anyway, NHL was also one of johns 3, yes 3 blood cancers, and after almost 100 rounds of chemo (something like that) and a stem cell transplant, as i am sure you remember, he still has only one third his kidneys (i bet you remember that too, neuropathy, avascular necrosis, no immune system (almost like the boy in the bubble), etc. he has been in a coma so many times, coded so many times, yes he is alive, but the PTSD we are under is frightful and so stressful, and wondering if he will live is hard. i am also suffering from some life threatening diseases right now that people don't even know about (will tell you if you write me), and both of my parents are going into dementia and want john and i to move in w them and take care of them. such is life.

why am i telling you all this? bc i KNOW there is a reason for all of this, and i KNOW we can handle everything. it's the most painful in the world, and sometimes we feel we will break, but we won't. and if we do, oh well, if we lose our minds, that doesn't mean we lose our faith. keep your faith in jesus, cathy, it's the most important and only true thing you have, the only constant thing you have.

i am definitely not chastising you or patronizing you, i promise you. i just know for me, it was and is the only constant i had. john also. it is all we hang on to. and sometimes we do have genuinely really happy lives. perhaps will get there. i am so sorry about your family and what they are going through. and you also. email if you'd like. but at that the email i gave you. i'd love to hear from you.
love, krissy fisher knox.

krissy knox said...

One more thing i forgot to say, cathy. we all accidentally hurt a friend now and then. it's definitely understandable. do NOT spend one more minute beating yourself up over it. on the other hand, do not leave her feeling hurt either. just call her up or go to her house and smooth things over. i'm sure you'll find a way, whether it's being direct, bringing a cooking, or a gentle touch on the hand and a smile. it will make you both feel better. than both of you both forgive each other and never think about it again. works! love you girlfriend, krissy :)

FrankandMary said...

Oh, I am soooo sure you hurt someone's feelings on purpose.
Not.
Somtimes it has something to do with expectations on the receiving end as well. And we don't get to live with an edit button.
~Mary

Diane J Standiford said...

OMG, I hope you are not talking about ME! I felt TERRIBLE that I had made YOU feel so TERRIBLE about what you said to me. I was certian it was just a rapid reply, I do it all the time and I'm sure I must hurt some feelings. BLAME FB, Twitter, and all the fast paced techy stuff all around us. OK< that said, back to the rest of your post. I think we all hurt at times since we are all one. It is supposed to, so say the "wise" and "experts" to lessen our individual hurts---NOT. We simple exist in this fragile human form. All we can do is bear it.

Ana said...

Yes. I agree with no "buts".
I'll hug you and give you comfort and I'll feel your comfort back cause... life does things, some surprises that we never thought.
Fuck! Man!
(((((((CATHY))))))