I AM YET STILL ALIVE

How interesting!  I'm blogging for no reason lol I just want to purge myself of the troubling thoughts of late, and at 74 my thoughts are usually of mortality.  When it happens, I hope to be sound asleep, unaware of the bleak Bringer of Death paying me a visit.  Grim is the Reaper!  I hope to be dreaming.  Dear God, let the dream be a wondrous one full of loving family and friends, alive and dead, with the dead ones coming to help me cross over.  That's what I've always heard can happen, so I pray it happens to me.  Many times in life I've been passed over for things I wanted, or thought I did, in favor of something less beguiling.  All I need do is change a few things in the past and my whole life would be different, SO different, as to actually be wonderful!  I can only imagine it and woefully wish I'd made better choices in my hurried youth.  How ridiculous of me to promise God I'd never be what I ended up becoming!  Stupid, really.  Still, I was very lonely much of the time, and when someone paid me attention I took it as a sign of belonging, of meaningful pauses in conversations which told me it was my turn to talk.  I was worthwhile.  So I didn't rest, I just let life take me - and it became a carnival ride through the woods I loved to hide in.  I had my imagination and it was always ON.  What wonders of mind await those who invite the dark side!  I certainly invited it all and chose what I wanted.  Now I pay the price, always too high, always too painful, but mine nonetheless, and yes, I earned it.  So who's to blame...?  It all belongs to me and I accept the pain.  I live with it.  It lives within me.  That is life - for me, for now.