Sunday, September 17, 2006

Things Said In Court

These are actual exchanges made in Courts of Law, taken directly from the transcripts, courtesy of a good friend:

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lie there.

=========================

ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:  July 8th.

ATTORNEY:  What year?

WITNESS:  Every year.

============================

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

=============================

ATTORNEY:  This condition, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY:  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

===========================

ATTORNEY:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS:  38 or 35, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY:  How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:  45 years.

============================

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, "Where am I, Diane?"

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan.

==========================

ATTORNEY:  Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in their sleep, they don't know about it till the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar?

===========================

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

WITNESS:  Duh, what?

============================

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:  Can you repeat the question?

============================

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception was August 8th?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at the time?

=============================

ATTORNEY:  She had 3 children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY:  And how many were girls?

===========================

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

===========================

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  And was this a male or female?

============================

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

=============================  

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  (Stunned silence, then laughter)

==============================

ATTORNEY:  All your responses must be oral, okay?  Good.  Now, what school did you go to?

WITNESS:  Oral.

==============================

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:  Huh?

================================

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time you examined the body?

WITNESS:  Yes, the autopsy started at 8:30 a.m.

ATTORNEY:  And was Mr. Denton dead at the time?

===============================

                                The best for last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Check for breathing?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  So it was entirely possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.

ATTORNEY:  But the patient could still have been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, alive and practicing law!

===============================

Thanks Jerry! 

 

 

10 comments:

seraphoflove9001 said...

OMGOSH!!! LOL I can believe it though!!! :o)
Lisa

queeniemart said...

"no i just lie there".
Rick would say i was the one who said that!! LOL
Cute entry.
hugs,  lisa

siennastarr said...

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  And was this a male or female?


I don't know... that one could go either way! lol  I've seen a few women with some pretty hairy chins! lol

Jackie

jmorancoyle said...

    Who said it takes brains to pass the bar? That was funny.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay

sugarsweet056 said...

ROFLOL!
Sug

preciousone25 said...

OMG!!!   Those are FUNNY!!!!  

http://journals.aol.com/preciousone25/JoannsWeightLossJourney/
Joann

herlippy1 said...

Special beyond words Cathy, thanks for sharing...LOL

Hope your week is a good one..:)
Lippy..:)
http://journals.aol.com/herlippy1/TheSpineLineToo

valphish said...

Cathy, that last one is PRECIOUS!!!  LOL  It scares me that some of these attorneys are practicing :-o!  Thanks for this post.  Great! xox
http://journals.aol.com/valphish/ThereisaSeason

penniepooh said...

LOL, How FUNNY!! Thanks for the laugh.
Hugs,
Penny

be said...

華麗夢想,
夢世界,
酒店經紀,
酒店工作,
酒店上班,
酒店打工,
禮服酒店,
禮服公關,
酒店領檯,
華麗夢想,
夢世界,
酒店經紀,
酒店工作,
酒店上班,
酒店打工,
禮服酒店,
禮服公關,
酒店領檯,
華麗夢想,
夢世界,
酒店經紀,
酒店工作,
酒店上班,
酒店打工,
禮服酒店,
禮服公關,
酒店領檯,
華麗夢想,
夢世界,
酒店經紀,
酒店工作,
酒店上班,
酒店打工,
禮服酒店,
禮服公關,
酒店領檯,
華麗夢想,
夢世界,