Things Said In Court

These are actual exchanges made in Courts of Law, taken directly from the transcripts, courtesy of a good friend:

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:  July 8th.

ATTORNEY:  What year?

WITNESS:  Every year.

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ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY:  This condition, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY:  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS:  38 or 35, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY:  How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:  45 years.

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ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, "Where am I, Diane?"

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan.

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ATTORNEY:  Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in their sleep, they don't know about it till the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar?

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ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

WITNESS:  Duh, what?

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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:  Can you repeat the question?

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ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception was August 8th?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at the time?

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ATTORNEY:  She had 3 children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY:  And how many were girls?

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ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  And was this a male or female?

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ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  (Stunned silence, then laughter)

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ATTORNEY:  All your responses must be oral, okay?  Good.  Now, what school did you go to?

WITNESS:  Oral.

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ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:  Huh?

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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time you examined the body?

WITNESS:  Yes, the autopsy started at 8:30 a.m.

ATTORNEY:  And was Mr. Denton dead at the time?

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                                The best for last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  Check for breathing?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  So it was entirely possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:  No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.

ATTORNEY:  But the patient could still have been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, alive and practicing law!

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Thanks Jerry!